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Learning to love myself

Gayle Shim

 

Self Awareness and dealing with the past


As I mentioned in my first post, realising late in life that I was neurodivergent was both validating and, at the same time, a complex period of ‘re-awareness’. I now have a different perspective on everything I believed to be true. For instance, all those times when I felt out of place or misunderstood, not knowing that it was due to my neurodivergence.


 Part of accepting who I now understand myself to be is coming to terms with the anger, guilt, frustration, and shame at not knowing or realising sooner. These emotions, though challenging, have been essential in pushing me toward more profound self-awareness. As I began to recognise the role of masking in my life, I realised how much I had been hiding—not just from others, but from myself. I feel immense loss at 'what might have been' and still often feel gripped by feelings that I'm not enough and/or I could have been more. There is a frequently overwhelming sense of unfulfilled potential, which I'm not sure I now have the energy to unlock.


 These thoughts and feelings are not unusual, especially in late-diagnosed neurodivergent people, and I suspect this is often the case for late-diagnosed neurodivergent women. It can be amplified when we have previously appeared to be successful or 'high-functioning', though few realise this outward appearance results from intense masking. I had no idea I had been doing this all my life. This awareness led to a desire not to do it or put myself in a situation where I would need to—the desire to be authentic, but this also led to a feeling of being 'more autistic'.


A life time of masking and/or a late diagnosis, can bring up a lot of difficult feelings about the past.
A life time of masking and/or a late diagnosis, can bring up a lot of difficult feelings about the past.
 

Feeling More Autistic


 For someone who has spent a lifetime hiding under a mask for fear of being seen as 'weird' or 'different', to feel 'more autistic' creates an additional layer of vulnerability and potential shame. Now, I'm more aware of how toxic self-talk, self-criticism, and negative thoughts are damaging to self-esteem and confidence. However, awareness is only the first step in reframing a life-long habit into something more positive and productive.


 When I joined Aupeer, I was struggling to come to terms with what neurodivergence meant to me. I felt elated that everything finally made sense, but I also felt I was on the edge of a tightrope across a gaping chasm with no safety net. One of the most valuable lessons from peer support for me is self-care and self-kindness. After experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions and challenges last year, I wanted to start this year with new intentions. I wanted to learn to understand my needs, accept them without guilt or shame, and prioritise myself for the first time. I'm embarking on the next step of my neurodivergent journey—coming to terms with who I am and loving myself for it.


Mixed feelings can feel like walking a tightrope.
Mixed feelings can feel like walking a tightrope.
 

Self Care


 The most challenging part of self-care has been recognising and understanding my needs and finding a routine that works for me and has space for my loved ones. Finding a balance has not been easy with other competing demands and the nagging feeling of not being enough. Executive dysfunction is a term often used to describe challenges with organising thoughts and actions, which makes it hard for me to stick to plans or routines. This leads to a very rigid mindset—meaning I am very black-and-white or all or nothing in my thinking, either doing something perfectly or not at all. Learning to embrace the 'grey' has been the first step in creating sustainable self-care routines. Practically, this has taught me to be less rigid about how and when I practise self-care and not beat myself up when best-laid plans go awry (self-kindness). Everyone is different, but my 'go-to' activities give me a dopamine boost—my morning swim and two long walks a day in the fantastic Welsh countryside with Elmo (my Cockapoo).


Elmo the cockapoo eagerly looks out the window, ready for a walk.
Elmo the cockapoo eagerly looks out the window, ready for a walk.

I've learnt to explore other self-care activities because, as most of you will agree, even our ‘go-tos’ don’t always work. Having a 'toolbox' of strategies helps me ensure that I can try something appropriate for the context. Some examples that may be familiar are mindfulness meditation, journaling, breathing exercises, yoga or Pilates, duvet days, 'mindless' TV, favourite foods/drinks, tight hugs and so on. 


 

Barriers to Self Care


I have realised I am less likely to keep up my self-care routines when I'm with my partner or when people come to stay with me. This results from lifelong people-pleasing and an inability to create healthy boundaries—a blog topic for another time! This is where embracing the grey is essential—understanding that routines sometimes need to be flexible but mindful not to ditch them entirely. Part of learning to love myself is trying to sit with the vulnerability of unmasking and advocating for the authentic me. As Brene Brown says, “Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage". I am lucky to have a partner willing to walk the journey with me at my pace, but it still isn't easy.

 And this leads to something that goes hand-in-hand with self-care, practising self-kindness.


 

Self Kindness


Self-kindness is another skill that seems not to come easily to the neurodivergent community, probably because we must work hard to fit in and be enough in a neurotypical world. However, a lifetime of self-criticism can harm self-confidence, self-esteem, and mental health. As Dr. Kristin Neff points out, vulnerability and imperfection prove we are human. Showing ourselves compassion when we feel vulnerable or inadequate can remind us that this is what it is to be human, and we all experience this. Her work has influenced me, especially in how I’ve learned to give myself the grace to be imperfect. Brene Brown’s research on shame and vulnerability helped me understand why I’ve struggled with self-compassion—that vulnerability isn’t a weakness but a place where I can grow and connect more deeply with myself and others. Acceptance can allow us to view challenges where we feel we have failed or fallen short as opportunities to practice kindness to ourselves, allowing us to work with how we feel in the moment. The key for me is realising that perceived failures or inadequacies are one moment in time, and it is only through self-kindness or compassion we can stop carrying these moments with us for eternity.


 So, my new intentions this year are to be more mindful, get comfortable with vulnerability, continue to grow my self-care toolbox, and learn to practice self-compassion and kindness. These are not simple intentions, and I know I will experience many setbacks, but for me, they are the key to accepting who I am and maybe unlocking some of that unrealised potential.


Self kindness and compassion can take many forms
Self kindness and compassion can take many forms
 

Self Care Practices


 I want to finish by sharing a few of my favourite and most effective self-care practices:


 Yoga / Pilates

When I have enough spoons, I try to do 20 minutes a few times a week. The concept of 'spoons' is often used in the neurodivergent community to describe a person's finite energy or mental resources. For instance, I search for ADHD yoga (or Pilates) on YouTube. Yoga with Zelinda has a 20-minute session called Yoga for Adults with ADHD and Yoga for People who have ADHD, which are simple enough to follow if you are a yoga virgin but have helped me. Other channels are available!


 Mindfulness Meditation

This is another win for ADHD and anxiety. It's not for everyone, but similar to yoga, it can help improve focus, reduce anxiety, and, most importantly for me, help me focus on the present rather than let my mind and overwhelm take control. It is coupled with some really useful breathing techniques, which again help with anxiety and are great if, like me, you are a breath holder. There are various apps like Calm and Headspace, and I'm currently using the free version of Balance. I like it because there are 'Plans' which take you through programmes of practice in specific areas such as relaxation, stress, focus, sleep, and confidence, or there are 'singles' which are shorter one-off mediations, e.g. frustration, letting go, and even specific ones for ADHD. And the guide 'Ofosu' has a voice like chocolate!!

I've learned some straightforward breathing techniques that make such a difference by focusing on the breath:


  • Inhale (say 'one' to yourself), exhale (say 'two' to yourself) 

  • Inhale (say 'I'm doing my best' to yourself), exhale (say 'letting go of the rest' to yourself)


Another good breathing practice, especially for anxiety, is 'box breathing'. Imagine your breathing is following the four sides of a box:


  • Breath in (count 1, 2, 3,4)

  • Hold (count 1, 2, 3, 4)

  • Breath out (count 1, 2, 3, 4)

  • Hold (count 1, 2, 3, 4)

 

Journaling

If, like me, your thoughts are often so muddled it's like tangled spaghetti, and they never let you rest, then journaling is a must-try. There are many ways to journal, so experiment with what works for you. But two things I recommend are:


  1. Practicing daily gratitude - simply noting down three wins, positives, or things you are grateful for can help to trigger your brain to rewire by focusing on positives rather than negatives.

  2. Write…anything! The physical act of writing and getting thoughts out of your brain can reduce sense and help clarify and process thoughts. It doesn't need to make sense (no one else will see it), and it's up to you whether you ever re-read it. For me, it's a cathartic process that can help bring an inner sense of understanding and awareness to complex thoughts and emotions.


    Finally, here are a few book recommendations for those who love to read:

     Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly and Rising Strong (and, honestly, any of her books!)

     Dr Kristin Neff Self-Compassion

    Michael Neil's The Inside-Out Revolution and The Space Within.


 

What works for you?


Self-care is personal; what works for me may not work for you. The key is to be open and practice. Like me, through trial and error, you will hopefully be able to build a toolbox of strategies you can call on when you need to. I’d love to hear your thoughts on what’s worked for you!

 

Remember, accepting neurodivergence and the journey of self-care and self-kindness isn’t linear. So, take it one step at a time, and remember you are enough.

What does self care look like for you?
What does self care look like for you?
 

Written by Gayle Shim - Peer Support Faciliator at Aupeer

All recommendations are the authors own and are not affiliated with Aupeer CIC.


Gayle Shim - Peer Support Facilitator, Aupeer
Gayle Shim - Peer Support Facilitator, Aupeer


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